God is especially feminine

I was born into a Christian home and early on I found Jesus and had an experience of the Holy Spirit. My parents’ legacy – especially from my father – has been and always will be a blessing in my life. However, over the years I experienced and understood that there is more, but what? I wrote many beautiful songs in which I longed to experience and see more about God – my heart was longing for something even greater. When I first heard about the revelation of Father’s love, my heart began to respond to it: “Yes, this is what my heart has been thirsting and longing for for years.”

I realized that I had been a performance-oriented Christian and had tried to please God in every possible way. The underlying theme of my life was that I had never done enough for God. The burden of not doing sufficiently, the “backpack of guilt” on my shoulders, made me curl up in my own inferiority. Doing good things and knowing the right things had not brought my life the rest that my heavenly Father had intended for me. I hadn’t realized that Jesus was actually the way to get somewhere. Where? To the Father! His love began to show me things that I had based my faith on and suddenly they all started to fall off. My heart began to come alive, out of the circle of self-effort to the circle of freedom, where the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are. My life was all about performing, because I didn’t know the Father. He was a distant God to me, not a Father. When my heart started drinking from the revelation of him, the essence of the matter began to be revealed to me also: it is good news all the time! Not only when I was born again, but every single day!

I had seen God only as masculine and demanding. How blind I had been. I hadn’t seen that he is especially feminine. This was already said in the creation story in Genesis 1:27: So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. And Isaiah 49:15–16 says: Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. I began to understand what his heart is really like towards me. He is my real Father who loves me with the love of both a father and a mother. I have felt his love as compassion and comfort. All feminine qualities I didn’t know he had.

The revelation of him as my own Father has changed everything. The base of my life, the foundation, is stable, because I am a beloved daughter of my heavenly Father! I can always live my life in peace and rest. I don’t have to perform anything, but I can be my authentic self, Marjut, created by my Father. I can live and experience more and more the freedom of the children of God, of which Paul writes in Romans 8:19–21: For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. The following statement is really true: “What is in our heart is how we see the whole world.” The eyes of my heart are beginning to see more and more as my Father sees. Many times I have experienced “waves” of compassion that are not human empathy but are flowing supernaturally from the Father. My own point of view has given way and and the Father’s point of view has gained space in my heart. Jesus said in John 5:19: Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. Jesus was a Son to his Father, and the same inheritance is also for me. I can be a daughter to my Father and I can hear and see what my Father is doing and what his perspective is. Why would I try myself, since I’m not capable anyway? For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship where we cry out “Abba, Father!” (Romans 8:15).

I can honestly say now that years have passed, I wish I had heard about this revelation as a young girl. But the Father’s timing is perfect, and he saw even before I was born when I would find him, my real Father. My life has been an amazing adventure so far and with the Father it will never end!